


don't know how to say this

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Asexual Castiel, Castiel Has a Crush on Dean, Castiel needs to use his words, College AU, Dean is a Good Friend, Fluff and Angst, Human Castiel, Love Confessions, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, Socially Awkward Castiel, Student Castiel, Student Dean, Students, Very fluffy, alternate universe normal life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-30 10:48:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5160953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel has an issue--he's started having feelings for his best friend, Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	don't know how to say this

“Hey, uhm…” Cas cleared his throat awkwardly. 

“Yeah? Sorry I was running late, I…” Dean looked up at his friend who had met him here at the bus stop. “What—what’s up? You look like something’s wrong.”

Castiel closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. No, he totally wasn’t shaking right now. He totally wasn’t going to make this a big deal. Pshh, big deal. This wasn’t a big deal. People did this all the time.

Except, he didn’t. He quite literally never had before in his life. So of course it was a big deal. 

He’d dated a couple times in high school—with the girls friends had set him up with, but it never really worked. He’d let one of them kiss him, but… it had merely felt tolerable, and that had been all. He’d broken it off, awkward as hell, when he realized he didn’t seem capable of feeling the way they did towards him. Maybe it had something to do with how attractive everyone told him he was, that girls liked him so much? He didn’t know, but one way or another, he’d never told anyone he liked them. He’d never felt this anxious…well, OK, at dentist’s appointments, but whatever happened at dentists’ appointments didn't have the potential to ruin the single most important relationship in his life at this point, the one that kept him sane, although was now driving him insane—the one with his best friend. 

“Cas? Man? What’s up?” Dean prompted again, pulling Cas out of his anxious thoughts.

“Nothing. I, uhm, wanted to tell you something…” he mumbled.

“You, uh, ok. So, what’s the deal?” 

Castiel cringed a little as he glanced about them where people were getting off the bus. He shook his head slightly as he beckoned or Dean to follow him away. He didn’t know where he was walking, just, away from the crowd. If this happened, if he was going to get this out, it had to be somewhere only the two of them would hear. Somewhere only Dean would be able to react, somewhere passersby couldn’t laugh or gawk.

They wandered, Dean following Cas with a mildly confused look on his face.  
Cas finally stopped at a bench under a tree in a courtyard. Classes were still in session because it was the half-hour, so they were pretty much alone. 

“So what do you need to tell me?” Dean asked. Cas sighed, laughing at himself when he saw the face Dean was making.

“I’m sorry, Dean. I really—I’ve never done this before. I don’t know how to say this—I—“

“Say what?” Dean chuckled.

Cas’ heart was pounding overtime now in his chest, and he could feel everything paradoxically seem to speed up yet slow down at once. 

If he didn’t say this now, he never would, and he’d keep slowly losing his mind from it. Dean, Dean, Dean. The thoughts while he rode on the bus. The dreams, the vacant stare he ended up giving the calculus professor while he did a calculus of an entirely different sort, as if he could figure out the various probabilities of how Dean would react if he told him. He knew it was pathetic to be this fixated. He was a junior and had never really been in a relationship before. For a long time, he’d thought something was wrong with him, to be absolutely honest. 

He’d heard a student in a public speaking class freshman year talk about asexuality, and the idea just sorta clicked. He'd looked it up, and realized, that was what he was. That was…that was him. He’d never wanted a relationship, he’d never wanted anyone sexually. Girls were of little consequence to him besides being interesting creatures to observe in their cliques, doing little social things in that social language people who weren’t him spoke. Men had been equally interesting but with a heavier air of interest. Not of the I-want-to-touch-your-dick realm of interest, but…something a little more tangible, a little more relevant. But there was no desire, not really. Just this vague awareness that there was something interesting there. 

He’d met Dean near the end of his freshman year, spent the summer together, and the better part of the next two years together, on and off. He’d realized he missed him painfully when he was away over break, and had found himself worrying irrationally much if Dean didn’t return a text within a day or so over the summer Dean had spent abroad on an exchange trip. 

That had all been fine, and he’d chalked it up to his dearth of other friends that he became overly attached to his one close friend, until about a month ago, they’d been walking across campus, and Cas had had the strangest impulse to grab Dean’s hand where it was bouncing off Dean’s thigh as they walked. 

He’d shaken himself and tried to throw it off, but it didn’t work. Then the images poured in, the ideas, the desires, like a floodgate had been opened. He’d tried to shove it back, make it all fit back in wherever in the dark recesses of his mind from whence it had sprung, but it was all pointless. There was no stopping it. 

It had been a month of incessant images, urges, desires. He had realized he was having a crush—that was what people called it—and he thought they called it that because it was positively crushing to try to fight your way through. He’d come to the conclusion that since ignoring it wasn’t going to work, he’d have to do something about it. That was this….that was what he was doing now.

He breathed again, making sure he had air to produce sound, and went for it. 

“I…I keep thinking about, and—and wanting to, that is, kiss you.” He shoved the words out in a hasty jumble, the self-consciousness ringing in the air plain to hear. 

He tensed for rejection without even realizing he was doing it, until he felt himself grow weak when Dean made a small noise, drawing Cas’ gaze up from the pavement he had been so focused on at the toes of his red chucks. 

Dean wore a strange expression—not quite a grin, not quite a shrug, nor a sneer. His lips were quirked in something reminiscent of a smile, but his eyes held curiosity, his breath coming out in something like a small chuckle. 

“You wanna?” The words were soft…oh god, he was so far gone he thought he even heard them as inviting. 

“Y—yeah,” Cas managed. He was almost dizzy now, almost ready to turn around and call it quits. 

But Dean said something else. 

“I’d like that.” His voice was warm, and this time Cas couldn’t deny the fact it sounded inviting. 

The words made his jaw drop a little, then his lips curled upwards in a smile. 

“Oh, god, I’m not the only one,” he laughed at himself again, while Dean clapped him on the shoulder.

“Course you’re not.”

“So…you—I—“ Cas floundered again, fiddling with the strap to his backpack which was by now digging into his shoulder.

“Do you need to talk about it?” Dean offered, not judgmental, but with honest patience in his voice.

“N-no, I just…”

“Shh, it’s OK. You—you said you’ve never done this before?” Dean asked, moving closer to Cas, who shook his head dumbly.

“You haven’t? Wow…I…that took guts, yknow?” Dean said. "Thanks for telling me. I'd kinda wondered.”

“So...so you like me back?” Cas couldn’t stop himself from asking, just to make sure he'd heard everything right.

“Yeah, I do,” Dean grinned, touching Cas’ arm lightly. Cas shuffled in a half step until they were shoulder to shoulder, reaching tentatively to put an arm around Dean’s shoulders. 

They began to walk off like this, Dean nodding, “So, what do you say we grab some coffee and you help me with that evil chemistry assignment...”

“I can do that,” Cas found himself grinning widely. Sure, he loved chemistry, but…that wasn’t what had him smiling. It was Dean.


End file.
